Chapter 2: I guess, it's true friends?

I don't know if I've been interpreting true friends correctly this whole time.

True friends are supposed to remember each other. Well, not the whole time of their life, just during the crucial moments. True friends are supposed to understand what each other's feeling inside. Spoken or unspoken. True friends are supposed to know the right timing. When to be there for each other and when to walk away to give them some space. True friends are supposed to give each other the right support. True friends never get tired of each other. It's in their nature to accept each other, all the goods and the bads.

And, this whole time, I've believed that when I give those things to the right people, they'll turn back and do that to me too. You'll get what you give, right?

Everyone deserves a friend, a good company, someone who'll hurt them because they have to slap some senses into them and someone who'll make them laugh because it's the happiness and the comfort in each other that really matters in a friendship.

Up until now, no one ever really gives me the right signs. Okay, maybe they're trying, or maybe I'm just too hard to please. But, it really gets me to the lowest point when I realised "dude, you're alone" and let me tell you that being alone sucks.

Then, I come to this one point where I don't want to wait anymore. I can't wait anymore.

Nope. 

This is my life and I can't let them taking part of ruining it by not being true to me. Friends are friends, either they're true or not. Even if they lie to me in the face, I have to always be nice to them. Even if they're lower than my expectation, they're still my friends. Because, being a good person is way better than just being a good friend.

And, maybe, it's not them that is not true, but it's me that doesn't fit in with their expectations or their characters. So, I'll just have to fix my personalities, just have to be nicer, cooler, kinder, lovelier, and the whole definition of better.

Or, maybe, I don't need true friends. Every single one of them is equal to each other. Family, friends, and everyone will hurt you in the end, it's just who worth the risk. The only one who won't hurt your own feeling is you. Sometimes, it's hard being alone, it's sad when you see people have fun with their friends. But, it's a lot safer to be alone. I like playing safe. Sorry.

Alone until the right people, the right person, come. I believe that my husband will be my best friend. Maybe, he'll be my only best friend, the truest of a friend. And, I just can't wait to meet him.

Chapter 1: "Allah itu sayang sama Rahma"

Life has been......a little harsh on me these days. I would complain and complain and complain, every minute, every single day.

I don't know. It just felt like there's this huge ball of feeling inside my chest. Whenever I saw someone being happy, I'd feel sad and say to myself "you know, you're not doing anything while she's something to the world!". 

And, sometimes, I was ashamed for thinking that way, because most of the time, it was my own friends' happiness that I'd hate.

So, I started reading this psychological book for Muslim's girls. Well, it's just an ordinary book. But, my knowledge about my religion is getting bigger. And, I just realised that being sad for what life gives you is a waste of time, because maybe you are meant to be hurt in the world and Allah will exchange your suffering with something that is a lot better than the world, a place by His side in heaven. We, humans, don't know that. If you really look at the world, humans are clueless of what's going to happen in the future. Why are you being sad when you have two perfect legs, two perfect hands, a nose, a mouth, two eyes, two ears, a heart, a pair of lungs, and everything like a normal human being? There are people out there who play soccer with a wheelchair, or paint with mouth. And, they still live! They are grateful. So, why am I being sad?

So, yes, my life is not perfect. No one ever has a perfect life. Everyone has their own destiny. This is mine. I should be grateful even more.

If you have problem, go to God. Tell him what you really feel. He'll probably give you what you want, or he won't. It doesn't matter. Just believe that He knows what's best for you and that's what you're going to get someday, maybe not now. Everything's going to be beautiful in the end.

Now, I feel even more mature. I feel selfless. I know who I'm going to turn to when I'm down. I know what I'm going to do when I'm sad. I just have to believe that whatever happens, well, it is for the best of me.

I'm probably not the happy person every single time you meet me. I still complain, a lot, and sometimes I'm ashamed of that. But I know I'll get through this.

I am grateful.

Prologue

prologue

[proh-lawg, -log]

noun

1. a preliminary discourse; a preface or introductory part of a discourse, poem, or novel

2. an introductory speech, often in verse, calling attention to the theme of a play

Introductory part of a novel.

I am not saying that my life is a novel, but...I gotta say that it's full of dramas.

My name is Devita Rahma Fitria, or just Rahma, or Devita, or whoever you wan to call me. But, if you ask me, I'd say that I prefer to be called Rahma, because I grew up with the name. My closest family and friends call me Ama. I don't know... Maybe because I like to act cute and I am pretty affectionate toward those people, the name actually sounds cute. So, yeah, that's why.

Right now, I'm going to Bandung Institute of Technology as an Ocean Engineering student. Why did I choose this major? My innocent answer would be because I like the ocean and, at the same time, it scares me. Ocean is wide; you can never see the end of it. The water flows from place to place. And, ever since I got into this major, I grew even fonder of the ocean than I ever did before, and the feelings keep growing and growing. Ocean used to be just so much water at the same place to me so I can have fun under the sun, but, now, I've realized so many other things about the ocean, like how quiet it is, how dangerous it is, how the sun shines even brighter there, how beautiful the sunset is, and, my most important thought is just how much I want to love the ocean without having to feel scared about it.

Then, comes my boring answer about why I chose this major. It's because I want to develop Indonesia's maritime world and so on and so on, which is good and noble. It doesn't mean that I do not care about my country, but I really prefer my innocent answer. It feels real and it comes from my deepest heart as a kid and as a human, I guess. Don't judge me.

I'm the scond and last child in the family. Well, the third actually. My older sister who was the second in the family passed away five years before I was born. Actually, the reason why I was born to this world was because of her. It's sad I never got to know her, because they all said that she was a wonderful daughter.

I grew up being spoiled by my father, my mother too sometimes, but, most of the time, it's my father's job. My big brother is 9 years older than me. He has a wife and I have a little niece from him. She's cute and active, and I wish I can spend more time with her so I can be that kind of cool aunty. Too bad that I live more than a hundred kilometers away from her.

I don't know how to describe my family. We're all close. Me and my brother were taught to never hurt the family and other people, especially the family. When my parents tell us to do something, we do it. Our father is a hard-working family man and our mother is a moody but loving housewife. Despite how close we are all, everyday is a new day for us, because we get to figure out about each other more and more, even the things we never knew each one of us has before. Like, I used to be so scared of talking when my father is angry, I'd cry instantly. But, then, I learned to control my emotion and discuss things with him before he gets mad.

The relationship is complicated. Whenever I'm away for school, they'd pamper me a lot and tell me that they miss me so much. Then, when we meet up, we fight. It's funny though...because with every problems and all the fights back at home, I know they all love me and I just have to try hard for all of them. I just have to make them proud. And, we never ever let the anger or the problems to last long. I guess, that's what family really does; we get mad but we always forgive and love each other no matter what, because there's an ex-wife or ex-husband, but there's no ex-father, ex-mother, or ex-brother.

Hobbies? I gotta say travelling and watching movies are what I'm most interested of ever since I was a child.

I enjoyed travelling so much. At first, because my father spoils me too much, I was always scared of wandering alone, even if the distance was short. But, now, travelling is more like a way for me to calm my mind down and to find myself again. I even enjoy travelling alone more now. Usually, when I head out on a trip or something with my friends, I'd look out and adsorb everything around me. Well, I'd have fun too... But, wandering off alone is not a bad thing. Just have to be more careful.

While watching movies is so likable to me because I enjoy a tale, a myths, a cute romantic story, or whatever kind of story to be told to me. I like reading, but, well, watching movies is a lot easier than reading because I'll grow tired if I read too much. I'm trying though to read books, novels, but sometimes I'll just skip a few parts of those books and only get to the most important and cool parts of them. I can watch a movie in a movie theater all by myself, when people would ask me "What are you doing? It's not fun at all! You'll look pathetic!". Well, let me ask you guys something, do you talk during the movie? Do you joke around when it plays on the big screen? NO. In fact, people will shut you up if you talk too much. So, really, what's the use of a company in the movie theater?

I realized that I've been going out alone a lot recently. I even enjoy travelling all by myself (for your information, I have planned a trip without asking anyone to accompany me). Is it sad? I kind of think so, too. But, it's...not that sad if you look at it from my own perspective, you know, if you just be me.

I have friends, lots of it. I can get along with everyone just anywhere I want. I've been into organization since I was in junior high school and it really did help a lot for me to become more open to other people. Then, slowly, all of the works and people trusting me to do things for them came without me even trying. So, I don't have a problem socializing with people, right?

I have good friends; friends that I thought I'd spend all my life with them, sharing about my future husband, which school is the best for my children, and our children will become good friends like us.

I had one back in playground. It lasted until we graduated from junior high. Then, we went to two different schools and just went our own ways. We just contacted via social media or text messages. That's it. It's sad, really, but I guess we grew up to be different. No fights, no arguments, nothing, and we just went our own separate ways. 

I had several back in junior high. They were kind. Still are. When I went to different high school to them, just like the first one, we lost contact. Again. Nothing and we went our separate ways.

I still contact those people now, trying to continue the friendship. And, they actually give a good responds despite how different I am now. But, we're not meant to be that close, I guess.

I had three in high school. We last even until now, five years later and still counting. One of them is married and going to have a child soon. The other one is going to graduate in two more semesters and are going to be a doctor. The last one is a soon-to-be architect. With them, I never really tried to be friends. We never said thank you or sorry to each other, because it became too awkward. We'd cry and laugh together. We'd tell our stories, only to get a weird responds. We never brag about our friendship. But, it does feel like we're super close and understand each other clearly. 

I don't know though. I don't know if it is just me, or that we really are close. 

Ever since we get into college, everyone is busy. I am too. But I always have a spare time to at least hang out with them. Sometimes, it's disappointing when they can't hang out with me. I feel like a child for sulking because of it. And, when I finally get to meet up with them, it's all worth it. When I'm down, they actually know how to cheer me up, always.

I used to be scared to tell them what I really feel, afraid that they will think I'm too melancholic, when the fact is I am a melancholic person. Then, I told them that maybe I'm not satisfied enough with their responds sometimes. And, you know...they accept me for who I really am, for what I really feel. 

I need many of this kind of people.

Though I don't really want to hope too much, that this friendship will last all my life, but I'm grateful for them to be in my life right now. For every good and bad things in them and for the things they do for me, I'm really grateful.

And, I guess, that's why life is too much to bear sometimes, because we're not thankful enough. We always see the bad side of everything when there are so many other things that are good in us.

Oh. My purpose on making this blog? Just to vomit whatever is in me. You may look at this blog like it's place for me to find attentions, that I may be too weak and melancholy, but, sometimes, I just wish that there are some words in this blog that will inspire other people. Don't judge. You don't know anything about me.

So, yeah, this is my prologue.

Rahma's out!